This is the line that crosses my mind whenever I do an intro for a video on youtube, when I say a similar line with a similar number of syllables for similar reasons.
"Hello, it is I, the brilliant and amazing gamer, that guy nobody likes."
Many people who view me on the street seem to have me pegged for a cross between the nostalgia critic and the angry videogame nerd with a gothic twist.
I don't know how this makes me feel, what I do know however, is that I love videogames, not the retro games that james rolfe loves so much, nor do I like movies, old or new, sorry bout that doug walker.
No, I love videogames, and nothing gets my masochistic heart racing more than hearing about the new monster hunter title.
Now i've had monster hunter 4 for a while, but recently i've gotten back into playing it, and it's amazing how ball-bitingly hard the game is when you're forced to solo the thing.
Monster hunter is basically a boss hunting game, you kill a giant monster that's basically a boss fight, you carve it up, you use the items to make better equipment ala armor-rpg, if that's a thing now, and it should be.
the better the armor and weapons, the better you are, it's simple, right?
WRONG!
it doesn't matter how much armor or how high your damage output is, if you suck balls at this game it's going to rape you, A LOT!
now, I love the game BECAUSE it's an unforgiving exercise in gaming masochism with an incredibly high reward sensation, or perhaps my arms were going numb from holding the 3ds while laying down.
but in any case, the purpose of this particular blog is to put my thoughts on the game monster hunter four, which is basically screaming "ROOK AMERICANS! NO BIG LARGE CONSOLE! WE HANDHELD NOW!" and you know what? I honestly agree with this mindset, handhelds are cheap, you can carry them with you, and they're usually a good way to pass the time while you wait for the homeless guy in portland to leave the only public bathroom for five blocks, berating him for smoking crack when he staggers out, a wild eyed look on his face.
monster hunter four starts things off with a blonde chuck norris in red leather gear complete with walker texas ranger hat, you're not a hunter, you're just some shmuck (who was created not ten seconds ago via a complex character creation screen, complete with customizable felyne comrade bff)
Your first hunt is simple, you just have to survive an unscripted, unusually dangerous event with a gigantic drill horned variant of jhen mohren, lovingly named dahren mohren, (FUCK, FUCK FUCK, FUCK WHAT DO I DO?! MY JAPANESE IS LIMITED!! SAVE ME NORRIS IMPERSONATOR)
well, the blonde norris loses his hat and wouldn't you just know it? you gotta climb the large scary monster and get it.
after a lengthy cutscene, you get to business.
Now, I'm not going to get too much into detail at this point, but i wanted to make sure you understand just from that intro moment just how story driven mh4 actually is, it takes more chances, diverging away from the classic "quest to quest" formula for its story campaign, the primary goal is to find a dangerous monster that infects other monsters with a lethal virus that drives them mad and eventually kills them. this naturally makes said monster more dangerous and adds a new mechanic, monster infection. the player can also be infected, in which case you've got two options, man up and hit something, anything, until you turn your sickness into a stat boost, or puss out, run away and watch in horror as the bar increases faster the further from your target monster you are until you come down with a sickness that prevents regen, lowers defense and makes you look as though you're farting clouds of evil fairy dust.
of course, the online is where it's at, no really, the online in this game is the most convenient i've ever seen, to the degree that it becomes game breaking.
now all high rank monsters are somewhere between g-rank and highest rank, so basically just above highest rank, and the best weapons you can get from jinouga aren't even enough to take down a deviljho on time anymore.
I wasted fifty minutes wailing away at this thing, constant charge attacks and just steady pressure.
I got him to critical health and ran out of time.
fuck deviljho, fuck that godzilla/barney/yoshi on steroids to high hell.
anyway, i'm getting ahead of myself.
the reason the normally awesome weapons that can take down beasties like this are no longer that useful is due to a superior (and broken) weapons system, excavated weapons.
the excavated weapons are gained through a rather well done freehunt system where you have to gather shinies and kill at least one monster in under the threadbare and fluctuating fifteen minute time-limit in order to gain access to a guild quest.
from your menu you can take a guild quest (it's a special quest that gives you aids, and rabies)
and put it into a menu that allows you to easily access and share it.
from then on you can hunt the monster you were assigned based on the monsters you've slain in the freehunt zone, the mysterious forest.
now i don't hate the freehunt system, i just wish it would let me FUCKING KILL SOMETHING
the high rank freehunts are basically impossible for a guy with poor equipment, meaning that the shinies become very necessary, the more you collect, the higher your chances of getting those coveted guild quests.
the excavated weapons take a king's ransom in armor spheres to improve, but supposedly the best ones are so good that they pretty much render the armor you get from normal high rank monsters obsolete.
so basically fuck me for hunting ten plus jinouga, right? oh, zinogre, sorry.
anyway, the game is good, but some of the balancing issues almost defeat the purpose of playing, i tried for three solid days to kill a deviljho with a stygian zinogre greatsword, only to run out of time, and this was while laying the damage thick too, so...yeesh.
if you like monster hunter, this game is for you, but it's still a masochist's bitter pill, so be ready for a world of rewarding pain.
now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fap to anthropomorphic dragons.
Because.
(warning, the below image is NSFW, ha!)
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